Week 5: The Great LOCKS Debate... of the week

Thursday, Capitol Hill

Speaker of the House: Hear! Hear! We are here to decide on Dave's LOCKS.

Congressman: Are we bailing out Dave's LOCKS of the Week?

Speaker: No!!! We're gonna whisper some good advice and get him back on his feet!

It's

Dave's (bang! bang!)
LOCKS (BONG!)
of the Week (clickclickclickclickclick...)

Dave's LOCKS of the Week
Week 5

Hey everybody! Hope your bank accounts are safe and sound, or present. Take whatever you can get... stocks are on shaky ground, just like Lane Kiffin was last week. WHERE'S MY RIMSHOT?!

Anyway, if the Stock Market was a betting website, it'd be this place. Whoof! 0-3 last week? My goodness!! Duck for cover now!! Let's turn that bear into a bull shall we?

To the picks!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a little karma here, so let's go in reverse order:

LAST we go to the Valley of the Sun, Glendale, Arizona!! In the Valley of the Sun is a beautiful new stadium so eloquently named for a commuter college. Fantastic! It's the Arizona Cardinals hosting the Hot Buffalo Sauce Bills! Tasty!!

How good are the Bills? Actually, I don't know, but against the spread they're 3-1... not too bad for a team on the rise. Meanwhile the Cardinals are absolutely dreadful on the road and on a 2 game losing streak. Something's gotta give. I could go into stats, but instead I'll pose a question: If a Bill is caught dead in the desert and there were no vultures around, guess who gets to eat up? THE CARDINALS!!! I'm picking the Cardinals to cover their meager spread (-1.0) and fatten up on dead Buffalo in their beautiful home field.

NEXT we go back to Texas Stadium! Boy has that place been good to me. First, their local team, the Cowboys, and how about them Cowboys, all but guaranteed a Redskins cover (which I stupidly didn't list on LOTW). It also hosted the recent Cowboys/Eagles game. Remember that shootout? It's a shame this place is closing down. They're shutting down like Carson Palmer against the blitz! SMACK!

But you know what? Give the Bungles some credit. Two weeks ago they nearly shocked the Giants in the Meadowlands. The Bungles are playing good football! Am I calling for a BUNGLES UPSET OF THE WORLD? Of course not... but look at the line! (-17.0) for the Cowboys? That's just ridiculous. The oddsmakers are basically saying "Here! Take our money! We don't want it!" Are these guys stock brokers?

We all love Tony Romo, but the only Tony you should count on is TONY THE TIGER and he's on the Bengals... Bengals to cover (-17.0). Take the points. They're GRRRRRRRRRRREAT!

and FIRST we travel to Baltimore, the Home of Michael Phelps, and to a lesser degree, Katie Hoff, and to a lesser degree than that, the Orioles.

The Ravens are poised to dominate again on defense against another great defensive team. There's only one problem. IT'S THE TITANS!! Do they feel the upset? Quoth the Ravens, "never mo'". I'll tell you why. The Titans are undefeated against the spread and are phenomenal against the spread going back to '06. If they're favored, they cover. If they're dogs, they'll cover. and against the dregs of the NFL they played this month... oh they covered baby!

Besides, Tennessee has THE best turnover radio in the NFL, +6! The Ravens? A measley +1. So what time is it Ravens? Game time? Nope, it's time for you to LOSE! Ray Lewis, you're a nutjob. Are the Titans gonna cover (woof woof woof woof!)? They're favored by (-3.0) on the road (woof woof woof woof!)! Ravens don't have a chance. Give the pts and let's start TITANS FEVER!!

BANG BANG!!

Speaker: All in favor of Dave's Picks Say "Aye"

Congress: AYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaker: Meeting adjourned!

BANG!! for

Dave's (grumble)
LOCKS (mumble)
of the Week (bump!)


Recap: Titans (-3.0) cover at Baltimore; Bengals (-17!!) cover at Dallas, Cardinals (-1.0) cover at home